May 28, 1999

It's a car, not your mother

Have you bought a new car recently? Since The Husband Kurt bought our latest economy model, we've been assailed by surveys from research groups.

This week's was the most fascinating yet - all eight pages of it. We were thanked in advance and a crisp $1 bill was enclosed as a token of appreciation for our responses to 207 statements and one essay question on a "New Vehicle Experience Study."

Here are a few of the most disturbing examples: "I feel in control in my new car," "My new car will definitely take care of me," and "My new car is friendly." These inquiries fell under the category of "How You Feel About Your New Vehicle."

Is this outfit really associated with the auto industry or is it a screening compiled by the Napa State Hospital to identify potential new patients? If your car makes you feel "in control," you're not. If you view your car as a friendly being that is capable of taking care of you, you probably need a keeper all right, but it better be an orderly with years of psychiatric experience.

A few of the most amusing examples: "The staff showed an excellent ability to listen and understand me," "I was initially greeted in a delightful manner by the service staff," and "I felt like I was in control of the sales process at the dealership." All righty then.

Maybe my family has been unusually unlucky in our car-buying adventures. We always get the good-cop, bad-cop routine, with the good sales rep who cheerfully considers a reasonable offer, but after a series of secret negotiations with the bad manager, reports that the guy had to be sedated after hearing our insultingly low figure. This is commonly followed by a special pre-authorized offer to include floor mats with the full sticker price.

As for the service department's demeanor, most customers would run for their lives if any dealership's mechanics greeted them in "a delightful manner." The bottom line is that the majority of car buyers will be deliriously happy if their vehicles escape recall for spontaneously bursting into flames and then actually get them from Point A to Point B reliably. If the sales staff really listened and understood consumers, they'd already know that.

Excuse me while I take my friend Sephia out for a dollar's worth of her favorite octane.

© 1999 Cynthia Hahn