June 18, 1999

Fathers deserve support

The main irony of fatherhood is that a man who is doing a good job at being a father often is taken for granted. A good father is like a lifeboat: assumed to be there to save everyone from disaster, yet doomed to be cursed if he fails but once.

A great dad usually doesn't get the level of expressed affection that even a fair mother does. Of course there's a lot to be said for the human host who carried you around for nine months and did most of the day-in day-out rearing and upkeep of your early childhood.

But whether we want to state it openly, even in 1999 fathers are expected to be the main providers for the household. Consequently they tend to be overlooked when doing the providing thing well. It's not fair or equitable but neither is anything else in nature.

So what happens when there is no reliable father in the family? Even if you enjoy bashing Dan Quayle, he was 100 percent correct on the "Murphy Brown" issue. Boys without involved fathers tend to revert to a "Lord of the Flies" pack order and girls tend to seek male approval in premature, romantic relationships.

Furthermore, these damaging accommodations can persist, emerging at key emotional passages for the rest of their lives.

My own father killed himself when I was 11 years old, after his lifelong battle with depression and alcoholism. On top of a probable genetic link, his male biological donor's refusal to marry his biological mother, enlisting at age 17 to fight World War II, being called back for Korea, and spending three years in an orphanage did crucial damage.

For a long time I hated him for abandoning my mom, sister and me. Now I just feel bad for the little boy who grew up with a stern adoptive father and who was rebuked by the "father" he looked up before having his own kids. Bad reproductive karma takes many generations to purge.

While I'm certain our sons love their father The Husband Kurt very much, I doubt they fully can appreciate the gift of his love and dependability since they're had both from minute one.

If your father was less than ideal, forgive and remember him this Sunday. If he was stable and loving and is still alive, please visit or call him, OK?

© 1999 Cynthia Hahn